Excuse me, Maura’s beard is named “Slucky?” Like “so lucky?” Like “so lucky to be Maura’s date?”
Jane’s beard is all, “Gee, thanks. You know, I’m trying here. I brought you water. I’m trying to talk to you but you keep looking at women.” And Jane’s like, “Oh, yeah yeah. No, you’re great. Say, do you still have that black dress you mentioned earlier. Maybe a wig? Go get it. Wait, first, let me tell you how much I hate that guy. He was my trauma surgeon. He talks funny. I have lots of perfectly good reasons to hate him. It’s not because he’s with Maura. It’s not. Here watch. I’ll show you how lame he is.”
Maura brings him right over because what’s the purpose of having a beard if not to get closer to your real love interest without anyone suspecting anything.
Dr. Slucky: So, how are we feeling, Jane?
Jane: We are feeling fine. But we can’t speak for everyone.
As she’s saying that, she’s grabbing Maura’s … I can’t even tell. It’s either her elbow or her ass. At this point neither would surprise me.
She drags Maura away and is basically like, “Of all the beards!” They sit down at a table to chat, because leaving your two beards alone with each other without any real reason or explanation is just … well, normal I guess. Carry on, ladies.
Maura goes on to comment on Lt. McBeard, because I think she’s jealous. She offers something resembling a backhanded compliment.
Maura: He’s very sexy. Has an odd accent though.
She probably figured the was the nicest of the things she could’ve said.
Some discarded options:
- He’s good-looking, if you like that sort of thing.
- I’m sure his good looks are hiding a latent pee fetish.
- He looks good on the outside but I can tell by the way he’s standing that his penis is microscopic.
- I suppose he’s kinda hot but … have you seen me in this dress? And my hair? Have you seen my hair, Jane? Look at my hair.
Jane’s like, “He moved here from England when he was a kid.” Then she goes, “I almost lost my virginity to him.” This prompts Maura to switch the subject because the point of all this was to make Jane jealous, not the other way around. Maura’s all, “Slucky, yeah… he’s wonderful. You’d like him.” And Jane’s like, “Hell to the no.”
That’s better. Maura then launches into a totally unnecessary discourse on Dr. Slucky’s gentleness in bed. If you know what I mean.
If you do know what I mean, then I imagine your reaction is similar to Jane’s.