This is clearly a private family moment, so of course Maura is automatically included. Angela Rizzoli is hyperventilating or choking on her own overdramatic reaction to life in general, and can’t speak. Jane asks Maura for a pen so her mom can write down whatever it is that’s upsetting her. The hors d’œuvres perhaps? Jane’s hair?
Jane hands Maura the note so she can read it.
That awkward moment when you find out – via the means of napkin – that your parents are getting a divorce and a camera crew shows up to interview you about what it’s like to be a hero.
It feels so good. Awesome. “Fantastic,” she says. She asks the news guy to go interview a waiter or something and tells Frankie to take their mom home. Then she rushes to Maura’s side to read the note for herself.
Note: We are getting divorced.
“That’s terrible,” Maura says, though it sounds more like she’s saying, “Can we make out now?” But that’s totally inappropriate given the severity of the situation and Maura is perfectly capable of controlling herself around Jane, especially in a moment like this which is why —
Wait, is she like… cleaning Jane’s tie with her spit?
She’s totally cleaning Jane’s tie with her spit. And Jane’s not even like, “Maura? WTF are you doing?” She’s just oblivious to it. Like it’s perfectly normal. Like it happens all the time. Like she’s just used to anything involving Maura’s bodily fluids.
Oops, we got too gay again, and so Jane remembers that she’s supposed to be bearding it up this evening. She saunters up to the Lady Military Hero (Abby, is it?) who’s chatting amicably with Lt. Col. Sgt. General Mario Rodriguez de la Pepa McBeard. But you can call him McBeard.
Abby’s like, “I loved your speech. Wanna get a room afterwards?”
Sensing the sexual tension that occurs whenever Jane Rizzoli is in the proximity of any female, Lt. McBeard scurries away to get Jane some “prune juice.” You can tell Jane’s trying really hard to impress a guy when she says her doctor ordered her to drink “prune juice.”
Once alone, Abby and Jane talk about boys, which is just as ridiculous as it sounds. Jane’s all, “I dated that guy in high school” And Abby’s like, “I dated that guy across the room.” Then they start talking about how men are sexist and and from there switch to a game of “Where’s Voldemort? My Scar’s Hurting.” Once properly bonded over their mutual badassery, they shake hands. And then, just to show the depth of their connection, they hug, too.
The Beard returns and hands Jane a glass of water. Instead of trying to flirt with him, Jane looks for Maura and spots her walking with a date she got from the BEARDS R US escort service.
Jane: Ugh. Slucky. Can it get any worse?