We begin our tale in the woods. A girl is running, running just as fast as she can. We know she’s in trouble because she’s in her pajamas in the middle of the woods and she’s out of breath and the camera is shaking about all dramatically. And did I mention she’s in the woods?
If it weren’t for the “Rizzoli & Isles/TNT” logo on the right-hand side of the screen, I would’ve mistaken this for the opening of the pilot episode of The Killing.
The girl’s assailant catches up to her, they tumble to the ground, there’s some screaming, a burly dude comes out of his nearby trailer home. He yells and runs toward them. There’s some light stabbing. The villain runs off.
The heroic dude falls to his knees and cries out for help. A squirrel glances in his direction then scampers off. A deer yawns. A bird squawks as if asking, “Who are you talking to?”
Woodland elves, perhaps?
Meanwhile, in a nearby spa, this is happening:
Jane is all, “I can’t believe I let you drag me to this place … and take all my clothes off … and then make me watch you take your clothes off … and then stick me in a tub of mud and then not even get into the same one with me. When you said we were going to take a bath together I imagined something different. Also? Icky dirt.”
Maura’s all, “It’s Utah clay.”
But Jane just wants to get to the next part. You know, the part where they’re showering together and washing off the “Utah clay.” Might need help with those hard-to-reach places.
Maura thought of everything.
Maura: It’s my gift to you.
It’s your gift to all of us. Or it would be if this were a different sort of show. But there’s that pesky crime thing that’s bound to interrupt things.
Right on cue. Special delivery for Rizzoli & Isles: Injured girl from the woods. Please sign here.
I like how bodies just randomly pop up wherever they are. They don’t even have to do anything. They don’t even have to leave a spa. “Just put the body over there … by the massage tables. I’m just gonna finish my lemon water and I’ll be right with you.”
Now for some bad news: The girl is dead. Now for some unexpected news: The girl is pregnant.
Maura, medical examiner extraordinaire, is forced to perform a C-section using only a Swiss Army knife. She doesn’t even have time to complain about not having the right tools or equipment. Season 2 Maura don’t care.
“I need a scalpel!” -> “Here’s a Swiss Army knife.”
“I need X-rays!” –> “Here’s some wax paper and a flashlight.”
She just gets shit done. She’s probably prepping for that very special episode of Rizzoli & Isles where the two get stuck in a deserted island and she must save Jane’s life using a seashell and three coconuts.