Julia/Mariana (and Armando – unfortunately)
Julia and Mariana have moved on from cuddling on the patio to making breakfast and arguing over how they prefer their eggs cooked. Did these two even have a honeymoon stage?
Hernan arrives just in time to join them. He tells Mariana that he’s brought her a gift. Even though he’s super busy trying to save the world, he still has time to drop by a bookstore to pick up some relevant literary titles.
He hands Mariana a copy of Utopia by Thomas More. And shows them the book he bought for himself: The New Homosexuality: The Homosexual Experience. If it says “homosexual” in the title more than once it has to be double the gay. Since Hernan is a busy man, I imagine he figured this would make him Offically Cultured in the ways of Gay in half the time.
Hernan: And after that, I passed by a gay store. I was going to pick up a gay magnet for you.
I half expect Hernan to show up one episode wearing a vest with some pride flare on it:
Also, I totally have that shirt.
And then, because his name hasn’t been spoken for at least 5.2 seconds, Armando calls. Julia excuses herself from the table to have a conversation with her ex-boyfriend about 2 feet away from her girlfriend, which makes Mariana want to stab things and Hernan think, “Uh oh.”
Armando needs Julia’s help right now because the poor thing broke his arm while beating up Mariana’s plants and now it means he can’t function. I’m amazed he managed to pick up the phone at all in his condition.
Mariana tells Julia that she can go, if she wants, which is girlfriend speak for, “If you leave right now we are going to get into a massive fight when you get back.” Julia’s been a woman long enough to know that’s precisely what it means, so she sits back down and says she’s eating her breakfast.
She does go to Armando’s eventually, though. Armando proceeds to whine about his failed career as a soccer player and then states that Julia should get back together with him.
Armando: Why not? Tell me what happened that was so bad. Did you fake orgasms, or what?
Julia: Sometimes. Like any woman. But, so you know, mostly I had a good time.
And because real orgasms = the only necessary foundation of a happy relationship, Armando asks why, then, did she leave him in Spain.
Because of Mariana, Armando. MARIANA. The lesbian whose Kung Fu-fighting greenery broke your arm.
Julia: What I felt for her was very strong, the same as what I feel for you. I’m going to make you something to eat and you’re going to eat it or else I’m not leaving.
Julia Aparicio, ladies and gentlemen. Someday-author of The Idiot’s Guide to Lesbisexualism: The Art of Mixed Messages.