In this week’s episode, our crime du jour stars a guy in a yellow poncho. I have one just like that from when I went to Disney. I used to wear it whenever I cooked up meth in my parents’ garage. Oh, did I say meth? I meant smores. I’m not even sure what meth is because I only saw one episode of Breaking Bad and all I learned is that sometimes you end up pantless in the desert.
Anyway, this dude is wearing a poncho and I think he’s making instant soup. His secret ingredient looks like vodka. Perhaps he’s practicing for Iron Chef: LOLWTF. “And your secret ingredient is … GAP jeans!” A la cuisine!
And we’re finally back with our favorite non-gay (but still totally gay) non-couple (who’s still totally married): Rizzoli & Isles. It’s been too long.
When last we left things, Jane and Maura had a baby. Or was it Tommy who had a baby? Or was it Jane’s father who had a baby? I’m not sure. Someone had a baby and then abandoned it, and left it for Jane and Maura to raise. Or for Tommy to raise. Or for Mama Rizzoli to raise. I don’t know. But I’m pretty sure there was a baby.
Hey you remember last week when Jane and Maura were at Maura’s house and they were all up on each other on the couch and I was like, “Did these two get married or something? Did Jane move in? What is happening?” And then I was like, “Didn’t Jane have her own apartment at some point? Why is she going back to Maura’s? Why is she undressing at Maura’s?”And then on Facebook or Twitter I was like, “I think the Rizzoli family misunderstood the U-haul joke and thought it meant they all had to move in.” And just … do you remember all the gay that was last week’s episode?
Well they topped it this week. I don’t know how that’s even possible but they just turned the Gaymometer all the way up to Ludicrous Gay and shot off into space with rainbows shooting out of their bottoms. One or both may have been dressed as a Pop-Tart.
My goodness, you guys. This episode. It’s like all of the gay from previous episodes coalesced into One Giant Ball of Gay and it rolled and rolled down a Big Gay Mountain until it kerploded into a billion sparkling rainbows.
Was there even any subtext?
Let’s just take a moment.
Let’s just take a moment and look at this.
Because what is happening right here – half a second past the credits – is that Jane and Maura are sitting on a couch that easily sits about twenty people. Only Jane has opted to brave the crack in the middle so that she and Maura can sit so close that their arms are touching. While watching baseball.
On Maura’s TV.
In Maura’s living room.
With Jane’s mother cooking.
In Maura’s kitchen.
Because Jane’s mother lives there now. In Maura’s house.
And Jane is there.
With her feet on Maura’s coffee table.
And Maura don’t care.
Honestly, all I did was pause this episode half a second into it and I feel like I can end this recap here. What more need be said? Really.
You are reading Part 2 of the Rizzoli & Isles 2.01 recap. Part 1 is here.
Then we’re reminded that this isn’t actually a romantic comedy about a medical examiner and a clueless-yet-charming detective (although in my mind that’s precisely what this show is about) and is supposed to be, instead, a show about crime.
So “A’s” cinnamon-bomb goes off, taking Abby with it.
Lt. McBeard rushes to get Jane out of the car for fear that there’s a second bomb somewhere.
All the cops in Boston start rushing out of the building. Maura is among them and she’s screaming, “Jane! Are you okay?”
Maura: I got this.
KEEP CALM. Maura’s got this. She grabs Jane away from Lt. McBeard, because he’s not qualified to administer the proper dosage of TLC.
Maura helps Jane walk away from the middle of the road and toward a stoop across the street so they can sit down … and snuggle. keep reading…
Note: Hi all! I went a little overboard with this recap (oops) so I had to break it down into two posts. You are reading Part 1 | Jump to Part 2
On the last Rizzoli & Isles, Jane Rizzoli shot herself in the side, so she could kill the bad guy, save the day, and show Maura Isles that Big Biceps Chuck may be fit, but Jane Rizzoli is still the strongest, and most dominant of them all.
And so, after an incredibly long hiatus, we’re finally back with our favorite crime-fighting duo.
But first, “A” from Pretty Little Liars shows us how to build a bomb.
“…and you add a sprinkle of cinnamon – my personal recipe. Then BAM! A shot of tequila. And you’re done. Now remember kids: Do try this at home. Next time on My Drunk Evil Lair, I’ll teach you how hoodies and gloves make the perfect fashion accessory for any occasion…”
We begin our tale in the woods. A girl is running, running just as fast as she can. We know she’s in trouble because she’s in her pajamas in the middle of the woods and she’s out of breath and the camera is shaking about all dramatically. And did I mention she’s in the woods?
If it weren’t for the “Rizzoli & Isles/TNT” logo on the right-hand side of the screen, I would’ve mistaken this for the opening of the pilot episode of The Killing.
The girl’s assailant catches up to her, they tumble to the ground, there’s some screaming, a burly dude comes out of his nearby trailer home. He yells and runs toward them. There’s some light stabbing. The villain runs off.
The heroic dude falls to his knees and cries out for help. A squirrel glances in his direction then scampers off. A deer yawns. A bird squawks as if asking, “Who are you talking to?”
I feel that this promo for the second season of Rizzoli & Isles deserves its own post. By the way, for those of you who’ve been asking me: I am most probably going to recap the first season episodes of Rizzoli & Islesthat I missed. At the very least, I will be recapping season 2. Assuming season 2 is worth recapping.