So, where were we, my friends? Ah. Right. Julia Aparicio’s villainous plan to get Mariana and Armando to agree on a polyamorous relationship worked out exactly as she’d hoped. And she didn’t even need the sharks with laser beams attached to their heads!
Soon, she will return to her evil lair to cross “get a lesbian and a sex addict to agree that sharing me with each other is a fabulous idea” off her bucket list.
But first, it’s time to lay some ground rules. Since Julia took Alma’s workshop, she’s now an expert on the subject of trios and the like and will tell us how it’s done.
Julia Aparicio’s Rules to a Healthy & Happy Polyamorous Relationship:
1. All three parties must spend lots of time together.
2. They must all get to know each other really well.
3. They must develop trust and tolerance.
4. They must learn to deal with situations and things that would normally not be tolerated. For example: jealousy over seeing her with the other.
Doesn’t that sound fun? Mariana wants to jump out of a window right about now. But Armando’s warming up to the idea.
When last we left them, Armando and Mariana were drunk and making a pact to stay away from Julia. When next we see them, they are drunk and making a pact to stay away from Julia. They’ve gone through at least ten or fifteen sheets of paper in the process of drawing out their entire plan, so you know it’s very serious.
At some point, Armando tries to get Mariana to kiss him but Mariana reminds him that there are still one or two lesbians left on television who actually know the meaning of the word “lesbian.” They then set out to explain polyamory to each other by drawing a lot of dots on the paper and high-fiving each other.
Eventually, they fall asleep on the same bed and admit that they miss Julia. Armando reminds her of the pact they made, which is unbreakable and eternal and even sparkles in the daylight.
Julia, meanwhile, is in her bedroom watching that video Mariana made many episodes ago where she talked about how her love already had a love. That video always reminds me of Xena singing to Gabrielle, “The love of your love is you,” which is quite possibly the gayest thing ever. Also, it makes me think perhaps this whole situation would be resolved if Julia and Mariana went into the underworld and sang out their feelings.
Julia: What am I doing? I’m going to lose them both.
Don’t think like that, Julia. You’re made of Aparicio magic, which means people will follow you to the ends of the Earth and humor your every crazy whim no matter how many times you hurt them. It’s what makes you a special and unique snowflake.
Episode 64 kicks off with Julia and Alma sitting on a couch, T-A-L-K-I-N-G. Julia is confused about her confusion regarding the decision she finally made. You know, the one in which she decided between Mariana and Armando by choosing them both.
Even though Julia starts off this whole conversation by announcing that Mariana and Armando ran her off the premises with pitchforks and torches, she’s still asking Alma whether she thinks this whole threesome thing might work out. They decide the world is not quite ready yet for Julia’s revolutionary, polyamourous desires. Unless you’re Mormon.
Meanwhile, Mariana is also riding on Julia’s choo-choo train of confusion except she’s on the car marked “WTF” while Julia is perpetually in the one reserved for the Queen of Tergiversation.
Hernan helps by offering to share tales of threeway love from his days as a hippy.
Mariana: Yeah, but how many old hippies do you know that still live in trios?
He can’t think of any and neither can I because I don’t actually know any hippies.
The depth of Mariana’s suffering is so deep and vast that Hernan shrugs helplessly and decides to help by leaving her to go buy sodas so that Mariana can suffer in peace.
Armando isn’t suffering quite as deeply because this is the sort of stuff going around in his brain:
Except he’s not really into the idea of a threesome with Mariana so he wakes up all distraught.
The next day, Mariana finds herself alone, in bed, talking to an imaginary Julia.
Mariana: Okay, Julia, this is about love, no? And I, I love you… and…you’re my everything and you’re my person and even if you aren’t my everything because I have to share you … it’s okay…
Then the imaginary Julia replies.
Mariana (as Imaginary Julia): Oh, thank you, Mariana. You have no idea how much I love you…
Mariana (as Armando): And I you, flaca … I love you more and I love you better and I love you like man…
And then she beats up the pillow and yells in frustration. And oh, look who just showed up to witness this display of raw emotion…
No, not Dexter.
Armando tells her that if it makes her feel better, he feels the same way. He asks what they’re going to do and Mariana tells him that everyone’s on their own and that Julia is going to have to decide because the three of them don’t fit in one bed. Armando agrees.
Before we start, I’d suggest getting a drink (or two). Maybe, also, do a shot. Unless you’re under age, in which case you should get something non-alcoholic. Modern Family recommends salted chocolate milk and Rizzoli & Isles recommends salted coffee. Salt is the new sugar. Write that down.
Last time on the Julia Confundicio Show… Julia cheated on Mariana with Armando because she couldn’t help herself. As a result, we will now be treated to 40 or so episodes of … wait, let me not get ahead of myself here.
Let’s begin. Episode 61 opens with foreshadowing in the form of the Mexican TV series Julia is starring in. It’s a series within a series, the plot of which mirrors the life and times of its lead actress who is actually a character within another show. Are you following? It’s deep, you guys.
I know it’s hard to grasp the subtle nuances of this series, but something tells me that we will be treated to a threesome in the near future and that it will involve a curly-haired guy and two brunettes.
Okay, panic. A little. But stay with me. And keep a towel with you at all times.
Rise and shine, my fellow Las Aparicio addicts, because it’s morning in Aparicioland, and Hernan is making us breakfast. Mmm! Smells like pancakes.
Chef Mariana steps in to help with the cooking because Hernan is about to drop half a stick of butter into the batter and that’s way too much.
Oh, hey, remember last time when Julia was massaging Mariana’s shoulders … in bed … and it looked romantic, but really Mariana was just thinking about her father … which is kind of creepy … and then suddenly jumped up and said he was going to die? Well, she’s still worried about that, which is why she asks Hernan if he’s healthy. Hernan assures her that he can crush a walnut with his butt and is not planning to die any time soon.
So, where were we? Ah, yes. When last we left them, Julia and Mariana were on a double date with Armando and Valeria. All of this is part of Armando’s EVIL PLOT to win back Lady Julia. And, sadly, it’s working. Julia is growing progressively more jealous of Armando and Valeria together, which makes no sense to me because, hello? Has she seen her girlfriend?! But Julia’s emotions are a mixed salad of crazygreens with loonydressing on the side, which probably means this show is about to take us to a Bad Place.
We pick up episode 55 with the foursome playing a game of questions. It’s Mariana’s turn and she asks Armando what he would do if he found a wallet full of cash: return it to the owner or keep it? Armando says he’d keep the money so he could take Valeria out to breakfast.
Instantly, Julia’s like, “Don’t you care about the people who lost their wallet?” And Mariana, who has an RSS feed subscription to Julia’s True Thoughts sees that what Julia is really saying is, “How dare you take this girl out to breakfast and not me?” So she stares disapprovingly at her girlfriend.
Armando, very smoothly uses the nickame he has for Julia – “Flaca” – to refer to Valeria. But when she hears the nickname, Julia automatically says, “What?” And Mariana sighs and facepalms.
Yes, Julia, you are incredibly obvious and transparent and it’s embarrassing all of us. Please to be stopping this now.
It’s Valeria’s turn to ask Julia a question.
Valeria: Your boss offers you a promotion if you agree to sleep with him … do you do it?
Julia: Of course!
Mariana: What?! Don’t joke, Julia.
Julia: Why not? It’s just a game. He said it.
I think Julia is actually playing a different game called: How to Screw Up A Perfectly Awesome Relationship By Being an Idiot. So far, she’s winning by a landslide.
Next question! Armando asks Mariana…
Armando: You have a new boyfriend – sorry, girlfriend, but you don’t stop missing your ex. Do you tell your partner?
Mariana: Look, I think more than once you’ve proven that games are for little kids or more accurately that you can’t stop being immature, so… I think I’m going to go because otherwise I won’t have time to do the stuff I need to do. Excuse me.
Armando is enjoying every second of this.
Julia half-heartedly protests and Mariana tells her that if she wants to stay she can stay, but that she has to leave.
Mariana: Valeria, I’m sorry. By the way, you have really gorgeous eyes.
Julia: No one asked you!
Oh, Mariana, you charmer.
Valeria totally thinks so too.
I figure she’s thinking that if things don’t work out between Mariana and Julia, maybe Mariana can give her a call.
Julia grumpily agrees to leave and yells for Mariana to wait up.
Armando is, naturally, very proud of himself. Operation: Make Julia Jealous and Piss Mariana Off in the Process was a smashing success.
And though Valeria can totally see through his little ploy to make Julia jealous, Mariana staring into her eyes left her all hot and bothered so when Armando proposes sex, she doesn’t turn him down. To this I say, “Ew,” so let’s move on.
We kick off episode 52 pretty much where we left off episode 51, with Mariana still chatting with Hernan about life, the universe, everything. Hernan has a lot of questions and one of them is how, having been BFF for so long, Mariana and Julia suddenly realized that they wanted to do naughty things to each other. Well, he didn’t say it quite like that, but still.
And because no lesbian relationship in the history of lesbian relationships has ever been described as “simple,” Mariana says: “It’s complicated.” Is that what their Facebook status reads or are they saving that for later?
Mariana: In truth, I needed … no, I didn’t need … I was very clear on the fact that I’d been in love with Julia for a long time, that my life without her didn’t exist. But I needed someone from outside of our microcosm to tell me, so that I could react … and now I’m with Julia. And that other person … was Dany. My ex-girlfriend. The one who loves yoga.
Hernan: Ah yes! The one who loves yoga.
Mariana: So, now Julia and I are together.
Hernan: But, it’s the good kind of love? I mean, it’s the lasting sort, the one not dependent on passion… love.
Mariana: That’s actually the problem. It’s the best kind of love. The only kind of love. I think? I don’t really know the word, but it’s too good at times and I feel like the passion can ruin it because … Well, friendships last forever, but love between couples doesn’t.
Hernan: Well, that happens to all of us.
Yes! That reminds me of this one relationship I was in … but, well, it was complicated.
Julia and Mariana have moved on from cuddling on the patio to making breakfast and arguing over how they prefer their eggs cooked. Did these two even have a honeymoon stage?
Hernan arrives just in time to join them. He tells Mariana that he’s brought her a gift. Even though he’s super busy trying to save the world, he still has time to drop by a bookstore to pick up some relevant literary titles.
He hands Mariana a copy of Utopia by Thomas More. And shows them the book he bought for himself: The New Homosexuality: The Homosexual Experience. If it says “homosexual” in the title more than once it has to be double the gay. Since Hernan is a busy man, I imagine he figured this would make him Offically Cultured in the ways of Gay in half the time.
Hernan: And after that, I passed by a gay store. I was going to pick up a gay magnet for you.
I half expect Hernan to show up one episode wearing a vest with some pride flare on it:
Also, I totally have that shirt.
And then, because his name hasn’t been spoken for at least 5.2 seconds, Armando calls. Julia excuses herself from the table to have a conversation with her ex-boyfriend about 2 feet away from her girlfriend, which makes Mariana want to stab things and Hernan think, “Uh oh.”
Armando needs Julia’s help right now because the poor thing broke his arm while beating up Mariana’s plants and now it means he can’t function. I’m amazed he managed to pick up the phone at all in his condition.
Mariana tells Julia that she can go, if she wants, which is girlfriend speak for, “If you leave right now we are going to get into a massive fight when you get back.” Julia’s been a woman long enough to know that’s precisely what it means, so she sits back down and says she’s eating her breakfast.
She does go to Armando’s eventually, though. Armando proceeds to whine about his failed career as a soccer player and then states that Julia should get back together with him.
Armando: Why not? Tell me what happened that was so bad. Did you fake orgasms, or what?
Julia: Sometimes. Like any woman. But, so you know, mostly I had a good time.
And because real orgasms = the only necessary foundation of a happy relationship, Armando asks why, then, did she leave him in Spain.
Because of Mariana, Armando. MARIANA. The lesbian whose Kung Fu-fighting greenery broke your arm.
Julia: What I felt for her was very strong, the same as what I feel for you. I’m going to make you something to eat and you’re going to eat it or else I’m not leaving.
Julia Aparicio, ladies and gentlemen. Someday-author of The Idiot’s Guide to Lesbisexualism:The Art of Mixed Messages.
Team up with Hernan, Claudio and Leonardo to help catch a pedophile. Meanwhile, the entire Aparicio household welcomes a kidnapped girl who suffered many years of sexual and emotional abuse. They provide her with shelter, love and friendship, while doing their best to bring her captor to justice.
Gives being with Alejandro a shot. But you know she’s going to go back to Leonardo eventually. Leonardo is still seeing Maximo’s ghost everywhere who keeps nudging him to investigate Rafaela and Alma.
Julia/Mariana (and Armando)
In a time of ancient gods, warlords, and kings, a bitter goddess cursed all the lesbians in Mexican soap operas:
Thou shalt not enjoy a moment of happiness, for if you should ever enjoy a moment of happiness, a curly-haired soccer player will return from Spain to confuse your lesbisexual girlfriend and other bad stuff will happen, too.
Well, it went something like that, anyway. It is rumored that this goddess failed out of the Derek Zoolander School for Kids Who Can’t Read Good (And Want To Learn How To Do Other Things Good Too). But no one likes to talk about that.
What I’m trying to say is that Armando is back.
You know on Friends when Rachel finds Joey’s copy of The Shining in the freezer and Joey tells her that it got too scary so he had to put it in the freezer? Well, I am writing this recap from the freezer. And brr, it’s cold in here (there must be some toros in the atmosphere).
So where were we?
Okay, so Julia and Mariana have sex, which means that somewhere in Spain lightning lit up the sky and Armando’s lesbian virgin-alarm (designed to go off before Julia does) beeped violently, forcing him to jump into the nearest teleportation device and return to Mexico.
Rafaela continues her on-going chess game with Leonardo in an effort to figure out what he’s up to and what he wants.
Alma just can’t quit Leonardo. No matter how little she trusts him. Poor Alejandro. He still hopes to get her in the end.
Mercedes finally gives in to Claudio’s advances and they sleep together in his office. But that doesn’t mean she trusts him with her heart.
Well, Mariana got the girl, sort of, but is it happily ever after? Of course not. Everyone knows that the moment a lesbian is happy on television the Earth will cave into itself and unleash unimaginable horrors upon the land (some who watch The Real L Word will claim that this has already happened).
And so, while these two should, by all accounts, be rolling around naked in bed, they are, instead, processing the return of Hernan (Mariana’s long lost father). Mariana feels scared because even though she doesn’t know Hernan, it’s like he knows a part of her that she herself doesn’t know. Julia tells her that there’s no part of her that should ever scare her.
Mariana then says maybe she should get some sleep and Julia says she’s going to sleep on the futon because things between them are still complicated and sleeping beside each other might lead to X-rated things like snuggling and hair-braiding.